被困

今天，我拒絕了一份工資翻倍的超讚工作offer，就因為現在的老闆說我要不走的話就給我升職。我問她啥時候給我升職加薪啊。她哼了一下說：“你還當真了？”FML

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

見異思遷

今天，我上臉書卻發現男朋友帳號的“情感狀態”已經改成了和他的前女友在戀愛中。我去問他怎麼回事兒，他說：“估計是我忘了跟你分手了。”FML

Today, I logged on to Facebook to find that my boyfriend's relationship status had changed to being in a relationship with his ex. I asked him about it, and all he said was, "I guess I forgot to break up with you." FML

現實

今天，在我看孩子的時候，給了他紙和筆讓他給我畫像。畫完以後，他拿給我看，然後又說：“不行，我還沒畫完。”他把畫拿回去以後給胳膊上了上色。我說：“我今兒穿的也不是長袖啊。”他說：“那是汗毛。”FML

Today, while babysitting, I gave the boy a pen and paper because he wanted to draw me. When he was done, he let me see, but then said, "Wait! I'm not done." He took it back and basically colored in the arms. I said, "I'm not wearing long-sleeves." He said, "That's hair." FML

我的好孩子

今天，老公要跟我離婚，就因為我不同意他停掉我們孩子的信託基金或者抵押我們的房子去貸款給他那12歲的狗做手術。是呗，就好像我們的孩子不需要將來，我們也不需要有住的地方呗。FML

Today, my husband is divorcing me because I refused to sign off on the paperwork to break our kids’ trust funds or mortgage our house in order to pay for surgery for his 12 year-old dog. Yeah, it’s not like our kids need a future or a place to live or anything. FML

又見面了

今天，我在醫院的走廊上生下了女兒。護士後來把我帶到病房時安慰我說，之前見過更慘的。她說2年前，有一個女的是在停車場生的孩子。那特么也是我。FML

Today, I gave birth to my daughter in a hospital corridor. The nurse who took me to my room afterwards tried to comfort me by saying there'd been worse incidents; she said that two years ago, a lady gave birth in the parking lot. That was me too. FML

不伺候了

今天，男朋友吼了我，因為我沒幫他13歲的兒子收拾屋子。那孩子都13歲了，而且身體智力也都不殘疾。FML

Today, my boyfriend screamed at me for not cleaning his son's bedroom. The kid is 13 years-old, and there's nothing physically or mentally wrong with him. FML

一個意思

今天，在更新簡歷的時候，我才發現在我工作履歷中有一條寫的是“折磨中學學生”。我本意是想寫“輔導”的，怪不得我找了這麼多年工作一直找不到活兒呢。FML

Today, while updating my résumé, I noticed that in my list of achievements it said "Torturing middle school students". I meant "tutoring", but I guess this explains why I'm still unemployed a year after I started looking for a job. FML

爸！

今天，我鋼琴課結束後走路回家，突然看見我爸騎著自行車，於是我就在後面喊他。他回頭看我，結果一下撞在了樹上。原來不是我爸啊。FML

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I saw my dad on a bike, so I shouted after him. He turned his head around and then ran into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

被PS了

今天，我去養老院看祖母。在我翻看她孫輩的照片時，發現其他所有人的照片都是正常的畢業照，唯獨我的是剪切過的，她把我剪的瘦了些。FML

Today, when I visited my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All were normal graduation pictures etc. but mine was a cutout where she made me skinnier. FML

不被歡迎的嘉賓

今天，我媽的狗咬了我爸女朋友的臉。在我的婚禮上。我們根本不知道她會帶狗來。FML

Today, my mom's dog bit my dad's girlfriend in the face. At my wedding. We did not know she was bringing her dog. FML

瘋逼到處都是

今天，由於我是個新手司機，在停車場的時候一緊張不小心搶了一個車的道。於是我趕緊下車跟對方道歉，沒想到對方的回應是掄著棒球棍就把我和我的車一頓爆𤭢。FML

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness, as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

臭不可聞

今天，我穿了一整天的高跟鞋，所以上車以後就把鞋脫了，然後盤著腿坐在位子上。我老公突然就火了，說我的腳太臭了。然後把車停到了一個車位，威脅我說：再不把鞋穿上，你就自個兒走回家吧。FML

Today, after wearing high heels all day, I took them off in the car, and sat cross-legged. My husband immediately threw a fit beside me, claiming my feet were disgusting and "smelled bad." He pulled into a parking lot and threatened to leave me there unless I put them back on. FML

猜猜誰沒零食吃了

今天，我跟孩子們說，咱家狗太肥了，以後不能給它那麼多吃的了。結果我小女兒悄悄地跟她姐說：“咱媽也肥，咱還給她吃呢。”FML

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML