Every child's heart is like a clear lake, reflecting the family's sky and flowing clouds.

As parents, we do our best, and we hope that our children will be like sunflowers to the sun, and their hearts will be full of strength.

However, how many moments, we see that little figure, in the face of frustration, instead of patting the dust, but bowing his head and saying: "It's all my fault", "I'm too stupid". The excessive self-blame, like an invisible vine, quietly entangles the immature hearts and consumes their supposed vigorous vitality.

We are distressed, we are anxious, and we may have wondered: why do children deny themselves so easily?

Behind this, there is a hidden code for growth, and it also reflects the shadow of our upbringing. Today, we don't want to talk about quick skills, but just want to dive into the inner world of children with you, understand where that self-criticism comes from, and explore how to cultivate the "psychological immunity" to resist internal friction in the soil of the family.

01

The sentence "I'm not good" hides the child's careful exploration behind it.

The years are like water, and the childlike innocence is like a mirror, reflecting the world and refracting itself.

Remember? The toddler spilled the milk on the table and looked at us in a panic with a look in his eyes full of "I did something wrong". Or when the test report card is sent and the score is not satisfactory, he blurts out: "I'm just a scumbag." ”

At that moment, what we hear may be shirk and vulnerability, but if we dig into the source, it is often children who use their limited knowledge to try to understand this complex world and find a sense of order, even at the cost of self-deprecation. In a child's world, "cause and effect" is sometimes simplified – is it because "I" am not good enough? Especially when the information in the environment (perhaps an unintentional sigh, a frown, an impatient urging) seems to confirm this conjecture.

They are not inherently pessimistic, but they are reading the signals in their own way, trying to grasp a trace of control in the uncontrollable - if it is me who is "bad", then maybe I am "better" and the bad thing will not happen. This kind of thinking is distressing, but it is also real.

02

Love is a harbor, but it is not a substitute for a ship that sails away.

It is wisdom and the deepest trust in children.

We love our children and always want to shelter them from the wind and rain and remove all obstacles. When a friend has a conflict, we can't wait to rush up immediately to "uphold justice"; We couldn't finish our homework, and we were so anxious that we felt like we had to hand in the papers. We have turned our children's problems into a source of anxiety for ourselves.

Adler once said that all troubles originate from interpersonal relationships, and the solution lies in "separation of issues". In parenting, this means making a clear distinction between what is the responsibility of the child and what is ours. Difficulties in learning are a child's subject, and he needs to learn how to face them and ask for help. Our task is to provide support, to guide the approach, to create a stable environment, not to replace his anxiety or to see his achievements as the only measure of our own worth.

This is not indifference, on the contrary, it is respect for the independent growth of children. When we don't do it all, children have the opportunity to develop problem-solving skills. When we no longer blame or blame themselves excessively for their performance, they can also look at their strengths and weaknesses more objectively, instead of living in the shadow of our emotions.

Overly involved love can sometimes turn into a sweet burden, depriving the child of room for trial and error and growth. Clear boundaries can make love flow more freely and allow each other to breathe.

03

Where the warm sun rises in the heart, the ice and snow of criticism quietly melts.

Gentleness sometimes reaches the depths of the heart more than harshness.

When a child is frustrated, a simple "it's okay" may pale in comparison. True psychological nourishment comes from a deeper understanding and acceptance – this is the power of "self-care". It is not about indulgence, but about teaching children (and ourselves) how to treat themselves like a good friend in difficult situations.

Imagine that the child is not satisfied with the drawing and rubs it off in anger: "I am so bad at drawing!" Instead of saying, "It's not bad, it's good," try to get closer and admit his feelings: "Well, it feels like this painting isn't doing what you wanted, it's frustrating." ”（Meditation/mindfulnessThen he gently reminded: "But it doesn't matter, everyone will encounter dissatisfaction, and many great painters will revise it repeatedly." ”（Humanity in commonAnd finally give support: "Do you want to take a break, or can we see where we can adjust?" ”（Be kind to yourself）

This kind of response is not a cheap compliment, but a signal that "I understand your feelings", "you are not alone", and "you can be more patient with yourself". Equally important is what we teach by what we say and what we do. When we accidentally make a mistake ourselves, do we criticize ourselves for "I'm really useless", or easily resolve "Oops, just pay attention next time"? The child watches and learns.

Demanding perfection in the midst of criticism is like sowing seeds on the ice. Only the warmth of the heart can make the seeds of tenacity break through the ground.

04

Parents are the originals, children are copies, and nourishing themselves is to illuminate the children.

We cannot give our children what we lack in our own hearts.

After talking about so many ways to understand and care for children, the final landing point often comes back to ourselves. We want our children to be confident, sunny and strong, but what about ourselves? Do you often fall into self-doubt? Are you particularly yourself in the anxiety and exhaustion of parenting?

Many times, our impatience, high demands, and even the criticism we blurt out for our children may stem from our deep inner disacceptance of ourselves, from our own unmet expectations and unhealed wounds. When we are in a state of "internal friction", how can we provide a peaceful and stable energy field for our children?

So, dear parents, please allow yourself to take a breather. Take care of your emotions, meet your reasonable needs, and practice being gentle with yourself. This is not selfish, it is precisely for the sake of loving better. When our hearts are full and peaceful, we can naturally pass on this calmness and acceptance to our children. Our self-care is a template for children to imitate, and it is also the most solid stabilizer for the family atmosphere.

Only by nurturing the root called "oneself" can the branches flourish and hold up a clear sky for the child.

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Nurturing, perhaps, is a journey of inward exploration after all. We aspire to be omnipotent heroes in the eyes of our children, but we often see our own limitations and vulnerabilities in the trivialities and challenges of daily life.

But perhaps, it is this seeing and acceptance, this honesty that is willing to learn and grow together with children, that is the deepest strength we can give each other.

May we all be awake in love, trust in boundaries, melt ice with understanding, and cultivate resilience with care.

Let home not only be the abode of the body, but also the harbor of the soul, and a warm place where every member can draw strength from it, fearless of wind and rain, and grow freely.