01

Growing up, I heard a lot of people keep mentioning the concept of family of origin.

Once, I also thought that when I grew up, the future should be completely decided by myself, and I should not blindly get caught up in various disputes in my original family.

But recently, I have a new idea about the family of origin.

I have always thought that I have not been affected by my family of origin in any way, after all, I am sunny and positive, and I live a bright and bright life, and whenever a friend complains to me about the personal harm caused by my family of origin, I will use my own experience to try to make them pursue their own life.

However, during this time, I once again discovered that the influence of the original family is really profound and obscure.

Recently, I encountered some things, my mood is very bad, when I am dealing with some contradictions and huge conflicts, my subconscious burst of thoughts, as well as all kinds of logic, is exactly the same as my mother.

My mother is a very short-tempered person, I was scolded a lot when I was a child, and when she was in a bad mood, she would send her temper to me, and any small reason would constitute the cause of her scolding me.

When I was a child, I didn't like my mother's temper the most, and now I realize that I don't like the part of my mother's personality the most, and I actually have it myself.

For example, when I grew up, I really started to have a disagreement with my mother, and my mother's attitude towards me was all back after I was independent enough.

And this underlying logic will also affect all aspects of my life.

When I looked at myself completely, I realized that I was basically a copy of my mother.

So, after seeing myself, I'm now reinventing myself.

When I was in my 30s, I thought that I was no longer affected by my original family, but when I grew up in my 0s and my personal thinking continued to grow, I once again repaired my former self.

When I grew up so big, I talked to many people about my family of origin, and finally found that many people who seem to have been loved, spoiled, and lived very happily all have the pain of some of their original families.

As they talk, they will talk about their childhood, when they were young, about their parents who didn't love them, and some of the experiences that hit them. I hear it every time.

Before, I thought so, too.

02

If your parents don't love you, they will always beat you, and I hope you can understand 2 truths.

First, you can't make up your parents' minds.

Many times, we stand in different positions and see things differently.

Parents may not be aware of the problems behind their actions.

However, just a certain word, a certain behavior, a certain look, a certain blame, standing in the position of the child, may become a dilemma that is difficult to solve for a lifetime.

A good friend of mine, I've known her for 15 years, and I've always felt that her parents love her very much, but the last time she talked about her childhood, her parents' patriarchy, leaving her alone in her hometown for many years, and her younger brother has been with her since birth and so on.

At the end, she burst into tears.

She thinks that her parents used to love her less and just didn't hate her, but now her parents are starting to love her because she has grown up and can earn money.

And her love for her parents, with a kind of entanglement, a kind of pain, a kind of hesitation, on the one hand, she feels very sorry for the hard work of her parents, on the other hand, she is helpless to their thoughts, they are still patriarchal to this day.

Her parents withheld all the bride price money, saying that they would use it to buy a house for her brother.

In the past, she always tried to reason with her parents and talk about her grievances, but in the end she found that it was useless.

They would quarrel, and her parents would ask her: Is it wrong for us to raise you?

She was speechless.

I told her at the time: we can't decide what our parents think, and we don't try to change their minds and lives, no one can be changed so easily, and we have to learn to respect that.

Many years ago, I also complained about my mother, and I always remember all kinds of scenes where she scolded me.

Until one day, I suddenly found out that my mother also has her own family of origin, her personality is basically the same as my grandmother, my grandmother also likes to scold people, will say some ugly words, naturally my mother was not less scolded when she was a child.

Obviously, my mom didn't come out of her family of origin.

At that time, I thought: in the future, my children will change from me.

When parents are allowed to be themselves, they will not be embarrassed.

03

Second, you have to live your own life.

When you already recognize the limitations of your family of origin, don't be confined here.

My dear, we're going to live our lives next.

To put it more colloquially, you have to allow your parents to be parents, and you have to allow yourself to be yourself.

If you want to change yourself, no matter how difficult it is, or how impossible it seems, there will be a certain result in the end, and it is impossible to stay where you are.

And your personal growth, your more and more relaxed mentality, is the best answer you give yourself.

Some people may ask: what should parents do if they are still trying to control themselves at this moment?

My experience is: be a filial and disobedient person.

Filial piety and obedience are two completely different things, you can be filial, but you don't have to be obedient to them.

Filial piety is for one's own clear conscience. If it doesn't go well, it is also to follow the heart, for the sake of their future development.

In the end, the key to how far you can go is actually up to you, and if you are always caught up in seeking validation or trying to correct the emotions of others, then you will never be able to achieve true happiness, including with your parents.

Throughout life, those who can ultimately achieve happiness first and foremost focus on themselves.

The influence of the original family may be more far-reaching than we imagined, but the decision on how far you can save yourself is always yours.

-END-

Proofread by Zhuang Wu