In Chinese family education, meticulous "agent" care seems to have become the norm for many parents.

However, excessive surrogacy may not only hinder the development of a child's autonomy, but may also trigger deep remorse from parents when the child grows up.

1. Over-substitution: the misunderstanding of love and the deprivation of ability

1. Misunderstanding of love: Parents think that doing everything for their children is a manifestation of selfless love, but in fact, excessive substitution often stems from a misunderstanding of love. True love is not only about caring and caring, but also about guiding and letting go, so that children can face challenges independently and learn to grow themselves at the right time. For example:

"I help my child organize his schoolbag and check his homework every day to make sure he doesn't make mistakes, which is my love for him."

However, this over-intervention may deprive the child of the opportunity to self-manage, and to develop good habits and a sense of responsibility.

2. Ability deprivation: Excessive substitution deprives children of the opportunity to exercise life skills and solve problems, resulting in their gradual loss of autonomy in the process of growth. As:

"I helped my child choose and match clothes from childhood to adulthood, and now that he is in college, he can't even buy clothes that fit."

Long-term over-substitution makes children feel at a loss when facing the basic needs of life, and may even affect their social adaptability.

Second, the reasons behind excessive substitution

1. Social and cultural influence: Traditional Chinese culture emphasizes the close connection of the family and the responsibility of the elders, and parents often think that "for the sake of their children" is the obligation. For example:

"The child is the continuation of my life, and I must pave every step for him so that he can avoid detours."

This perception encourages parents to become overly involved in their children's lives and ignore their children's needs to grow independently.

2. Deviation of educational concept: Some parents attach too much importance to academic performance, believing that it is reasonable to ensure that their children concentrate on learning and other affairs are done by their parents. For example:

"As long as the child studies well, I take care of the rest of the housework, and I can't let him be distracted."

This "meritocracy" ignores the importance of children's all-round development, especially the development of life skills and social competence.

3. Psychological factors: Some parents are afraid that their children will encounter difficulties and failures out of overprotection of their children, so they choose to do it on their behalf. For example:

"The child is still young, and if I can't do these things well, I will feel distressed. Let's talk about it when he's older. ”

An overprotective mindset hinders children's learning and growth through trial and error, which is not conducive to their ability to solve problems independently.

3. The way to break the game: let go moderately and cultivate autonomy

1. Set growth goals: Discuss and set phased self-care and learning management goals with your children, such as tidying up your schoolbag and planning your study time. For example:

"This semester, we started by organizing our school bags every day, and then learned to manage our personal belongings step by step."

Clear goals help children to clarify the direction of their efforts and gradually develop independent habits.

2. Provide guidance and support: Parents should give their child the necessary guidance and support when they try a new task for the first time, rather than doing it directly. For example:

"It can be a little difficult to do the laundry the first time, but your mom will teach you how to make a washing machine, and next time you can do it independently."

This ensures that your child gets the help they need and encourages them to try.

3. Encourage trial and error and reflection: Allow children to make mistakes in the process of trying, and guide them to learn and reflect from it. For example:

"Although the cooking this time is mushy, you have taken the first step towards independence. Let's see what went wrong and how to improve next time. ”

Through trial and error and reflection, children can truly understand the problem and improve their problem-solving skills.

4. Cultivate decision-making ability: Give children certain decision-making power on non-principled issues, such as choosing extracurricular activities, planning weekend arrangements, etc. For example:

"Do you want to go to the library or the park this weekend? Decide for yourself, as long as the arrangement is reasonable, Mom and Dad will support it. ”

Involving children in decision-making can help them develop their independent thinking and planning skills.

5. Adjust the evaluation criteria: In addition to paying attention to children's academic performance, we should pay more attention to the cultivation and development of their life skills, interpersonal communication and other comprehensive abilities. For example:

"Not only did you get excellent in the exam this time, but you also learned to cook for yourself, what a well-rounded good child."

A comprehensive evaluation system can motivate children to develop holistically and get rid of over-dependence on parents.

The phenomenon of over-substitution of Chinese parents stems from misunderstanding of love, socio-cultural influences, deviations in educational concepts and psychological factors. To solve this dilemma, parents need to let go moderately, so that their children can gradually grow into individuals with independent spirit and life skills in the face of challenges, and avoid regret when they grow up.

Proofread by Zhuang Wu