Some time ago, I had a get-together with a few friends.
One of her friends complained that her relationship with her son had been strained lately.
She kindly sent fruits and drinks to her son, who was studying, and cared for all kinds of things, but her son shouted at her:
"Are you finished? Don't bother me all the time! ”
有天晚上，兒子9點才回家，她怒不可遏地問他去了哪？
The son had an indifferent attitude: "I want you to take care of it!" ”
She exploded all of a sudden: "I don't care about you, who cares about you?" Look at the way you look every day, are you worthy of us? Do you see which kid is not better than you? ”
The son was also angry: "Didn't I beg you to raise me?" If you think other people's children are good, find someone else's children! ”
In the end, it was a discordant parting.
A friend's complaint reminds me of a story:
The crow and the pigeon lived in a small forest, and one day the crow said goodbye to his friend the pigeon, saying that he was moving away.
The pigeon asked him, "Why did you move away?" ”
The crow replied, "Actually, I don't want to move away, but the people here are so unkind to me, they think my cry is too ugly, I really can't stay." ”
The pigeon pondered for a long time, and said this to the crow:
"Friend, if you don't change your voice, no matter where you fly, no one will welcome you."
This is known as the Raven's Law.
In the parent-child relationship, many parents always like to educate their children from their own point of view, and they also want to use big principles to regulate their children, but it is useless at all.
If you can read the "Law of the Crow" and actively change yourself, then everything will be solved.
01
I watched a show called "Dialogue Through the Curtain".
There is a mother and daughter who love and kill each other in the show, and the two of them are doing each other if they don't agree with each other.
The mother believes that the adolescent daughter does not understand her painstaking efforts at all and is outrageously rebellious.
Once, the mother took it upon herself to sign up for a competition for her daughter, but her daughter excitedly said, "I won't go to kill me." ”
The mother was enraged and picked up the new clothes she had just bought for her daughter and cut them into pieces;
The daughter was so angry that she secretly cut her mother's pajamas, socks, etc. that night.
The mother threatened her daughter and said, "If you don't apologize to me for this, I won't be able to get through it." ”
The daughter felt: "It's not a big deal, she always makes small things big." The more she talked, the less I wanted to go along with her. ”
In this way, the mother and daughter have always maintained a tense relationship, no one understands anyone, and everyone feels wronged.
There is one in psychologyThe Hercules Effect：
This is a spring-like act of defiance, especially in conflicting parent-child relationships.
In other words, the stricter and tighter the parent's discipline, the more rebellious the child becomes.
There is a boy in "Metamorphosis", Zheng Zihao, who especially likes to play computer games.
The father, who is a lawyer, can't get used to it, and at every opportunity, he will instill all kinds of big truths in him:
"Did you know that it's wrong to play games?"
"It's addictive for you to play games like this, like smoking opium, and you're losing your mind."
"You have to do your studies, and only when you study well can you engage in entertaining things."
And Zheng Zihao seems to have turned on the automatic blocking mode, ignoring his father's reasoning, but becoming more and more addicted to games.
When a child has a problem, the more anxious the parents are to defeat the child and compete with the child, the more rebellious the child becomes.
Parents can use "authority" to oppress their children and "majesty" to strangle their necks, but it will also be exchanged for fierce resistance from children.
02
There is a sentence in the book "Positive Discipline":
"If you think it's painful to educate your children, you must have done it the wrong way."
If you find it difficult and tiring to educate your child and the child does not respect your ideas, then do not focus on the child.
If you start to change yourself, you may have a different answer.
Jia Rongtao, one of the top ten public welfare figures in China's family education, shared his experience in the book.
After his son entered high school, he had serious problems: skipping class every day to go to an Internet café, ranking first in grades, participating in group fights several times, and being dissuaded from school twice.
During that time, he either severely reprimanded his son every day, or beat and scolded him.
The father and son face each other every day, and the relationship is tense.
After deep reflection, he decided to change the way he got along with his son.
When his son failed the exam, he no longer complained, but said with a pleasant face:
"Kid, I got a lot of exams, and my dad now knows how difficult it is to be a high school student. To be honest, if you want my dad to take the test, he won't be able to score so many points. ”
The son hit a child on a bicycle and spent thousands of yuan on examination fees and medical expenses, but he did not come up and blame, but comforted his son peacefully:
"I especially understand your current mood, in fact, you don't have to blame yourself too much, who can not make a little mistake? I know you didn't mean to, who would cause trouble at home for no reason? ”
Then, he also took the initiative to help his son fix his bicycle.
Under his gentle care, his son no longer fought against him, worked hard, and was finally admitted to a key university.
The pedagogue Sukhomlinsky once said:
"In any kind of educational phenomenon, the less the child feels the intention of the educator, the greater the effect of his education."
Wise parents are doing their children's "Dinghai Divine Needle" -
Don't always try to beat your child, but look at the problems in your child's growth in a positive light:
For example, behind the child's mischievous behavior, it is actually his strong curiosity and desire to explore;
The child often lies, probably because the parents are too strict and he is afraid of being punished;
The child is rotten and does not like to learn, probably because the current learning is too difficult for him to learn......
Parents can make positive guidance according to their children's situation, rather than blindly using their parents' authority to suppress and deny their children.
When parents can see the "problem" in their child and actively change the problem by adjusting the behavior pattern.
Only those beautiful forces such as enthusiasm, inspiration, and courage hidden in the child's body can be awakened, and the parent-child relationship can be easily resolved.
03
Education expert Laura Markham said:
"The most important rules of parenting are for the parents, not the children.
Parents must first solve their own problems in order to establish an ideal parent-child relationship. ”
If you want to establish a good parent-child relationship with your child, the most important thing for parents is never to change their child, but to change themselves and work themselves.
In conjunction with the "Raven's Law", I have a few suggestions for parents:
1. Close the "mouth of the eagle" and give less orders to the child
The point that most people hate crows is that crows are too noisy.
In fact, many parents are also the same in the eyes of their children.
A class teacher recounted the case of a student. This student does not need her special attention or supervision, and has always maintained excellent and self-discipline in all subjects.
In addition, when it comes to extracurricular hobbies, this student also showed a stronger interest and a stronger willingness to learn than his peers.
Later, the class teacher asked the student's mother for her experience in educating children, and the mother said:
In fact, there is no special secret, that is, when at home, children are rarely urged to learn, neither guiding nor interfering.
I believe that as a parent, being able to control your mouth at the right time is the greatest support for your child.
In fact, education is like this, sometimes the more you talk, the more your child will not listen.
Less nagging and accusation, and more respect and empathy, can win the hearts of children.
When you keep your mouth shut, don't suppress, don't preach, and quietly guard the healthy growth of your child, home is the warmest harbor for your child, and your parents are the object of your child's attachment.
2. Always have a "crow heart" to influence children with love
As the saying goes: "The crow has the meaning of feeding, and the lamb has the grace of kneeling." ”
In other words, when parents give their children enough love, children will naturally be grateful.
In an article by writer Liu Xiaonian, it was written that the father had a big quarrel with his adolescent son, and after the old man heard about it, he educated his son:
"When you are a father, you have two words for your son, one is love, and the other is boiling;
Regardless of whether the son is cute or not, the more he is not cute, the more he must be steadfast, unrequited, and silently loved.
Children who grow up in love, even if they are outrageous, will become reliable sooner or later. ”
A child will not change easily unless he feels loved.
Parents should pay more attention to their children's psychological needs, do more things, and nag less, so that children can feel unconditional love.
When the emotional barrier is broken and the child feels loved, his heart will soften and he will be willing to open his heart to his parents.
3. "Crows drink water", look at children from a different perspective
The crow's voice is a disadvantage, which pains it as well as those around it;
But crows also have their own advantages, and anyone who has seen "crows drink water" knows that crows can hold a stone in their mouth, throw it into a bottle, and fill the bottle with water, which is a kind of wisdom.
As parents, we should not blindly focus on the shortcomings of our children, but discover the strengths in our children.
I remember reading a little story:
The little boy broke the vase in the house and glued it up, and was found by his mother, who lied that the cat had run in and broken it.
The mother pondered for a moment, and instead of criticizing him, she praised:
"You use your magical imagination to make up a cat that can open windows, and in the future, you will definitely be able to write beautiful detective novels."
Then affirm the child and say:
"You have excellent repair skills, and although you use glue, the cracks are almost perfectly glued."
The child bowed his head in shame and never lied again.
Trying to discover the positive aspects of a child's behavior can ignite a sense of worth in the child's heart, and use the strengths to bring about the changes in the weaknesses.
Children's self-confidence will also be stimulated, and they will take the initiative to make changes and find that "better self".
04
I agree with one point of view:
"The purpose of parents' existence is not to give their children a comfortable and prosperous life.
Rather, when you think of your parents, your heart will be filled with strength and warmth, so that you will have the courage and ability to overcome difficulties. ”
Only by understanding the "Law of the Crow", not forcibly changing the child, not suppressing the child, and giving the child enough love and freedom, can you have the opportunity to melt the ice and cold in the child's heart and become the one who really "wins" the child.