The same parents, the same home, the same love for children, but not every parent can love their children, every home is a safe haven, and every love can be understood by children
Especially in the matter of how to love their children "well", many parents have realized the wrong way and used the wrong method
Meet oneGrandmother, 4 years old this year, has a total of 0 sons and a daughter
Such a person with a full house of children and grandchildren is prosperous, and he is afraid that he is a typical blessed person in the crowd, butGrandmotherIn his later years, on the contrary, he served his wife who was not in good health every day, and his relationship with his children was not very good
In the past, before the children started a family, they went home several times a year, but since they have their own small family, the number of times they go home is basically only a handful
Especially the youngest son's family, who lives less than a kilometer away from her, has not been on the door of his old parents for half a year
At first, I thought that this was the family and life of the children after they got married, but since I saw itGrandmotherIt was only after the way I got along with her children that I realized the truth: I was too controlling
A typical example is the youngest son's family
Because the youngest son was injured while working a few years ago, he has been recuperating at home and lost his financial resources, and the younger daughter-in-law had to give up her young son and daughter to find a job to support the family
It's a good thing to find a job to supplement the family, and the daughter-in-law should also be a big contributor to the family, butGrandmotherIt's just that I can't finish fucking
GrandmotherShe complained that her son was too lazy and couldn't make the house a lot, and at the same time, she went to her son's house for a few days to clean up
The same is true for her daughter-in-law who earns money outside, while thanking her daughter-in-law for supporting her family, she also nagged people to buy snacks and clothes indiscriminately when they shouldn't have paid their salaries, and they don't know how to save the money they earn every month
So, under the nagging and command of crossing the line, the little daughter-in-law finally broke out, and when she went back, as long as she saw the messy home, she threw everything that was not pleasing to the eye directly from the second floor to the road
This scene is inGrandmotherIn her eyes, she is also like a child who can't be educated, and she often hears her complain when she meets people: "My little daughter-in-law is simply not a mix, she didn't take me seriously before, but now she sees me turning her head to the side directly, and she doesn't even want to talk to me."
In fact, this is a causal cycle that is too controlling
GrandmotherAs a mother, although she is the person in the world who hopes that her children's life will get better and better, the so-called "good for you" of the elderly is often not the life scene that her children want
If you don't realize this, you always interfere in your children's lives under the banner of "for your good", and in the end, not only will you not be able to achieve itidealExpectation, on the contrary, will also give birth to disgust and rebellious antipathy in children
01
Correct the child
It will let the child fall into internal friction
Raising children is a thorny road, and parents have no way to accompany their children all the time, let alone help their children eliminate every difficulty
The only thing that can overcome all difficulties is to constantly exercise children's self-improvement to overcome difficulties, especially to give children the space to make mistakes and trial and error, which is an important point for children to be more confident and calm in life
I have a mother who called me the other day to complain
She said that since her son was in the first grade of primary school, his little temper has come
The reason is that she feels that good habits are formed from an early age, and she also attaches great importance to her son's academic habits
Especially in the first semester of the first grade, in order not to let her grades lag behind, she would stare at her son's studies every night
In addition to the homework assigned by the school that day, I also bought some targeted basic training in private, and when a complete set of study arrangements was made, the time to sleep every night was basically 00:0 at night
At the beginning, my son was relatively well-behaved, she did whatever she said, even if the homework was weak, she just exclaimed and continued to work on the questions
I don't know when it started, but the child's attitude towards learning began to become dead:
You ask him to do his homework, and he is careless, saying "wait" and "right away", which is actually one second less than one second of homework
You ask him to sit upright, and he gets irritable, saying "I know", but in fact he is still lying on the table and is unmoved
So, in the case of one urging and urging, and the other being completely regarded as the wind in the ear, the relationship between the mother and son began to become ignorant
Especially the attitude of his son, the whole person can't lift his spirits
After hearing this, I couldn't help but ask my mother: "If you are assigned a task by your superior leader when you go to work, and you are doing your best to do it well, but the leader is not satisfied, and is still around to correct you, supervise you, and even suppress you, do you have the mentality of quitting and not doing anything if it's a big deal?"
When my mother heard this, she was speechless for a while
Yes, adults don't like this kind of behavior that is constantly denied, suppressed, and corrected, and how can children be an exception
It's like I often hear many parents complaining: "The child used to be very well-behaved, but how did he change when he grew up, and he was not obedient at all"
In fact, maybe the children are not sensible at the beginning, but helpless obedience, and the rebellion behind is not "changed", but they are doing their truest selves
As a parent, a smart and wise parent, you should also understand this, allow your child to make mistakes and accept their shortcomings, and in this closer contact and understanding, you will find that your child is not as bad as you think
Therefore, a good education, including a good parent-child relationship, is a process of accepting shortcomings, and learning to accept them can usher in a better tomorrow
This is also the most important reassurance we give to our children in their growth, and only by accepting themselves can they create more outstanding performances
02
Suppress the child
It can deprive the child of self-confidence
I saw a hot topic before, called "Failed education is to constantly consume children in small things"
So what are the trifles? Lan Ma believes that the so-called small things refer to those things that often happen and are more common and can go wrong
For example, when I entered the house, my shoes were not neatly arranged, when I ate, there was a grain of rice in the corner of my mouth, when I was just dressing, when I was wearing, when I was walking, when I was walking, when I missed a word, and even when I ate, I ate an extra piece of meat...
These things seem to be closely related to life, but few people can do everything and make no mistakes at all
If you insist on demanding perfection in everything, there will definitely be a causal relationship of "victory is failure, and things must be reversed".
I know a friend with a particularly gentle personality, and she is also a typical good wife and mother in the eyes of outsiders
She was even gentle enough to be a perfect daughter-in-law who would never speak out loud to her elders in my eyes, but the last time I passed by her house, I happened to hear the sound of her mother-in-law and daughter-in-law arguing fiercely
In the process of arguing, she also roared angrily: Do you think your family is a relative of the emperor? I still dream of the queen mother, can't my life, my life be decided by myself? The good days you said in your mouth, who loved who past, anywayI amI don't want to wait."
It turns out that my friend has been an inferiority complex personality who grew up in a repressive environment since he was a child
When she was a child, her father didn't like her anywhere, either on the way to pick thorns, or he was saying a lot of sarcastic things to stimulate her
When I grew up, I finally had my own small family, and I always thought that I could get rid of the harm of my original family, but I didn't expect that the mother-in-law in the new family was a person with a strong desire to control:
•The washing machine at home used the sterilization mode for an extra 1 hours, and it was exaggerated to say, "My God, how much water and electricity do you have to waste, besides, in more than two hours, the good clothes are washed in the washing machine, and today's young people really can't live"
• At night, the kitchen is lit up, and the dining room is also lit, and when my mother-in-law sees it, she directly criticizes "What are you doing with so many lights, wasting electricity, and the lights in the kitchen can't be seen in the living room?"
• The child forgets to turn off the light when he goes to the toilet, and he repeats it endlessly, and even deliberately unloads the grind and kills the donkey to accuse the adult of not disciplining here and not disciplining well
…
So, when the family was restricted everywhere and had to be pressed everywhere, my friend felt that her mother-in-law was deliberately finding fault and deliberately making her unhappy
In fact, the coexistence of elders and young people is in itself a difficult relationship to get along with
The concept of life of the older generation is often based on frugality, especially in the past, when they were used to living a hard life, and often had a meal and no meal, their concept is also "there is food in the pocket, and there is no panic in the heart"
Picking on children everywhere and asking the family to be thrifty everywhere is just to hope that the children will not be sad because of "no money to spend" in the future
But compared to keeping food and creating more food, Lan Ma thinks the latter is more important
Just like the former's food guarding, in addition to supervision and criticism, it is to save and save as much as possible, which seriously affects the quality of life and seriously interferes with a desire to enjoy a better life
Just like the friend in the example, he grew up in a repressive environment when he was a child, and now he is a wife and a mother, and he is still limited by others
If you are still being taught a lesson in front of your own children, how can you accept it generously?
Therefore, it takes skill to get along with people, and it is even more so for your child to accept your proposal
As an elder, if you want the younger generation to accept your proposal to save money and electricity, you can't criticize and suppress them, let alone label them as "spending money indiscriminately".
For example, try to tell your child in a different way of asking for help: "When you are old, you can't see bright light", you will find that everyone in the family will take the initiative to care about you, and then take the initiative to make the lights in the house dim and save electricity
This is the wisdom of getting along with others, and it is also a routine to repair the relationship with your own children
03
Interfere with children
Experiences that affect growth
Why are many parents still not respected when they are old
The most practical answer that Lan's mother has ever heard is: "Your children are already wives and mothers, husbands and fathers, and you still talk about their shortcomings every day, and you interfere in their lives every day, blaming them for not doing a good job here and not doing what you want there. And how can they be embarrassed?"
In fact, the separation between parents and children is itself a process of gradual separation, and parents should also stay away from children when they grow up
Otherwise, it is easy to form a love without boundaries, and the child will also have a hedgehog effect because of your excessive desire for control, and the closer you get to the other person, the more likely you are to be rebounded by the stinging sensation
Knowing a relative is such a situation
I'm 35 years old this year, and I'm always afraid to do anything, and I don't have any opinions
Fortunately, he has a diligent and down-to-earth heart, and he has stood firm in the company with his own strength, but people always have to climb up, and they can't always stand still
Some of the company's small leaders have also been persuading him to "take a step forward", and in order to prove himself, he also hopes that he can take that step bravely
But whenever he talked to his mother about it, his mother said to him with distrustful eyes: "Just you? I know how to play games all day long, do you know all those PPTs that people say? There are no diamond bricks, no porcelain work, do you understand? ”
In fact, his mother just hoped that he would be down-to-earth and not live so tired and hard, but she never thought that such a "good for you" mentality would make him suffer
He has always felt that he is a very bad person, unable to succeed in anything, unable to gain recognition from others, and unable to bring useful information and value to the company
It wasn't until he was valued by the company again in his unremitting efforts and achieved remarkable results in the assigned tasks that he gradually realized that he himself was not so bad
In order to escape the hurt of the original family and the emotional inferiority complex, so far, except for going home for reunions during the New Year's holidays, there is basically no desire to go home
When asked why, he told me: "I just don't want to go back, I'm afraid it will affect my mood, if it weren't for this blood relationship, I think I really would never want to go back to that home"
Lan Ma doesn't know what kind of mood he is in when he says such things, but when a person has the mentality of "not loving home" and "not wanting home", it means that this home has not become a psychological and spiritual haven
If you don't feel love, how can you be dependent and intimate?
Therefore, the best mentality of educating children is to seek lack and accept that children are not excellent, so that children can have more self-confidence and expectations to achieve a better self
A comfortable growth experience is the beginning of everything that is decided, and it is also the starting point of everything that is created
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions on why many parents are not respected when they are old? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!