-01
Core Principle: Choose, not Change
"Never try to wake up someone who is pretending to be asleep".
There are three types of people who can't be changed:
1. People who have fundamentally different views from you
2. People with obvious personality defects
3. People who are addicted to their own fantasy world
Once you have the idea of wanting to change the other person, your energy and emotions can be overwhelmed.
They live in their "comfort zone" for a long time, and despite occasional pain, they are more accustomed to and enjoy their current life.
You can't change him, you just consume your own energy.
He resents your interference and change;
You are angry that you can't change him.
The result is often a lose-lose situation.
So, why try to change the other side?
In a couple's relationship, what can be adjusted are some life details and small disagreements.
But about deep things such as personality and thought patterns, never try to change the other person.
If you can't accept the other person, then choose to leave;
If you can tolerate it, let it go.
The key to getting along: only screen, not change.
-02
Basic principle: reciprocity of rights and responsibilities
You can't just enjoy the rights and contributions of the other person, but not the corresponding responsibilities.
Any imbalance in the relationship will eventually collapse;
The unbalanced side will eventually opt out.
Even if the other person loves you very much, they will leave when their expectations continue to be disappointed and enough disappointments have accumulated.
The basic rules of love:
When the other person approaches you, you should also walk towards the other person.
-03
First priority: Understand each other's bottom lines
Essential Skills for Long-Term Relationships:
Identify the other party's bottom line.
For example:
You hate cluttered environments and prefer quiet.
The other party frequently pulls you to bars, concerts, and dinners......
Does this irritate you?
In the same way, if the other person likes to be lively, and you always force the other person to accompany you to the exhibition, the other party will not be happy.
It's okay to pander to each other once in a while, but most of the time you should respect your preferences.
The foundation of emotional stability is mutual respect;
Respect each other's interests, understand and avoid touching each other's bottom lines.
In short, it's about maintaining a sense of proportion.
-04
Intimacy at its best: relative possession, absolute freedom
Based on the premise of love: you are independent individuals.
Just like parents and children, although there is a life connection, it does not mean that they can completely control each other's lives.
You are birds that fly in different directions;
You like mountains and seas, while the other person prefers forests and land.
What is Relative Possession?
For the sake of each other, refuse all overtures of the opposite sex;
Assume basic responsibility, loyalty, and attention to the relationship.
What is Absolute Freedom?
Respect each other's will, life ideals and inner perseverance.
can be moderately constrained;
It's okay to make suggestions, but don't interfere too much.
Maintain a sense of proportion, and your relationship will be stronger than most.
-05
There is no such thing as a couple who does not quarrel
The key is how to quarrel.
What should I pay attention to in a quarrel between couples?
First, do not aim for "winning."
There is no difference between winning and losing in a relationship, and winning the truth may lose the relationship; And vice versa, depending on how you choose.
It doesn't make much sense to argue with the other party about right and wrong.
After all, you may have different opinions on many things, do you want the other person to bow their heads and apologize every time?
The purpose of communication is to resolve grievances, not to argue about winners.
Second: Never take a cold approach
Even small things, once you choose cold violence, can accumulate into big problems.
Every cold violence can hurt your feelings, which can lead to emotional numbness over time.
Third: Discuss things on a case-by-case basis, do not turn over old accounts, and avoid personality attacks
If you can do that, it doesn't matter how heated the argument is.